It's almost time and I'm a little scared.
Welcome to May, folks! I cannot believe I am saying that. I am not sure where the time is going and how in the world it could be my wedding month. It seems like yesterday that Damien and I got engaged. I am shocked that we will soon be saying "I DO." I am shocked at how my life will soon change.
While there is an abundance of excitement, there is also fear. This is completely new territory. Up until 4 years ago, the last serious relationship I had been in was when I was 18. Needless to say, I certainly needed to figure out how to be in a relationship again and I found that I had quite a bit to learn. Eventually, we found a rhythm and it led us to where we are right now, so close to marriage and yet another adjustment.
The truth is that I'm nervous. I'm nervous to be his wife and to know exactly what that entails and how good I will be at doing it. I trust in our commitment and union and I am also aware that I am flawed and resistant to change. I've lived the same life for years now - living alone, doing what I want, and not having to be responsible for anyone but myself. I got used to being in a serious relationship, but I also recognize that marriage is a completely different ball game. I think it best to openly admit that I'm struggling to wrap my mind around the idea that in a short time I'll be joined to someone forever.
It has nothing to do with him (he's amazing and I'm so blessed); it has everything to do with my own fear of failing. There is such a thing as a perfect wife, right? That would be a resounding NO, yet, somehow, I've got it stuck in my head that perfect is what I have to be in order to be a good wife. I know this is not true, of course, but these are my thought patterns at times.
Thankfully, there has been an unbelievable amount of support as I make this transition. So many have rallied to listen to me talk through my meanderings and self-doubt. They have comforted and advised me. Damien has reassured me over and over that we are a team and that everything will be fine. Most of all, the Lord has truly shown Himself (like He always does). I have been encouraged by His gentle reminders of all the bridges we have successfully crossed together, paths down which I could barely see the way. This experience will be nothing different. The journey here has been nothing short of magical and miraculous and I sense that the same is true for the next leg of this trek.
I am sure I am not the only woman afraid of marriage as much as she is anticipating it with joy. I am sure there are other women out there who feel these things, but are afraid to say it because they are worried about the response they will get. If you are embarking on a journey that you've waited for, prayed for, and wanted for a long time, it's okay to be scared when it actually happens. These feelings do not make you ungrateful; instead, they make you human and real. It makes you a woman who wants to do her best in the next chapter, so much so that failing is not an option, although it is likely and unavoidable.
Remember that it is okay. You are okay. You are not alone and you (we) can make it. Remember that we are all on a journey which means starting from scratch sometimes. Keep in mind that there was probably a hurdle you had to jump over to get where you are; this means that you're no stranger to obstacles or how to get through them. Stay the course. Hold on and don't let go. Most of all, understand that the Lord is there to fight all of your battles. If He can move mountains, He can surely help you do what you're about to do. In my case, I'm trusting that He will be with me on the day I say my vows and every single day after that. I'll need Him for sure and, with Him, I know I can make it.
Until next time.....
Take good care of yourselves, friends,
Courtney xoxo