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  • Writer's pictureCourtney Jordan

Silence can be golden

Hi friends!

I have to admit that October was a difficult month for me. I didn't expect it to be, but that is what it was. I wanted to write more and post more and show up here more. However, I found myself at a loss of what to say and how to process my feelings. So, I took some time to do that. I took time to sort through how I was feeling and I came to some discoveries. Some things I already knew and other things I was surprised by; nonetheless, I learned something else about myself and that is important in this life journey.

I knew that the lack of relationship with my father as a result of my parent's divorce was a difficult thing for me to accept. However, I didn't realize that his October birthday was such a trigger for me. I struggled with if I should say something to him or not - it is his birthday after all. Unfortunately, though, I tend to be upset by my interactions with my father after they happen - or don't happen. There are times when he will reach out to me and we will speak infrequently, but more regularly than what is our normal pace. It would make me think that things would change. Maybe we would make steps toward repairing our relationship. Maybe I would get to say the things that have been on my mind for over a decade about how his choice profoundly impacted me. Each time, I am disappointed and realize that things will continue to be the same way they have been for all these years.

I am not sure if I should open up that can of worms by saying something or if I should I leave it alone. I'm always trying to do the right thing and I don't want to come off as being mean or hateful. I never know exactly what to do. I pray and ask the Holy Spirit to lead me and go from there. I believe that if I follow God and what His Spirit leads me to do, I cannot go wrong. This time, I reached out to him and, the last time I checked, there was no response. It takes me to a difficult place and it took me some time to recover. To be honest, I cannot say that I am recovered right now. I recognize that my grief is deeper than I ever suspected which is hard for me. It seems that this process, grief, is never-ending and always taking on forms that I'm not used to seeing or dealing with.

I've started writing about it and we will see where that leads me, but I'm dealing with it as it comes. As much as I've come to terms with my parents not being together anymore, the jolt of how my father has handled his children since then has not stopped jarring me and I don't know what to make of it all. It doesn't help that the season has quite literally changed in the wrong direction for me. I am a summer girl through and through. The heat, the hustle and bustle, going outdoors, and hearing the joy people have just to be outside is something that I look forward to every year.

For whatever reason, this year's season change has taken a bit of a toll on me. I can normally just go with it, but I've dreaded this one. The cold, the darkness, the eery quiet, and the inability to just go and stay outside are not fun aspects of what seems to be an endless winter. The holiday season, football season, and, this year, the Olympics are all fun things that make the winter time bearable. It was different that I felt myself responding the way I was responding to it all. I'm sure that the situation with my father did not help things.

It's occurred to me that I am not the only one reeling from recurring grief and also struggling with a new, not-so-welcome season. I wonder how difficult it can be for you and so many others to manage their feelings and also come to terms that you are having those feelings in the first place. I felt frozen - unable to articulate my thoughts and feelings beyond the truth that I was definitely experiencing them. I could not communicate my needs because I was not aware of them. To some extent, I'm still unable to do that. If you're like me, I hope that we can both stay encouraged.

I hope we can remind ourselves that we are constantly moving and changing and that where we are is perfectly normal. It's okay to have all the feelings and not all of the words to convey them. It's okay to not be excited about the fall or the winter (or even the spring or the summer) when they come for reasons you may not be able to express. It's okay to be trudging through grief and to have good days followed by a series of bad days. It's okay to take a few days (or weeks if need be) off from social media or from being active and saying yes to all the invitations you get in order to reflect and collect yourself.

I learned that I have a long way to go in terms of figuring out what is going on in my head and heart. I recognize that I need to pray and talk to the Lord and I also acknowledge that I feel really tired, almost too tired, to do that, too. IT'S OKAY. I have an opportunity to lean into Christ and experience Him in a new way and I also have an opportunity to continue to process through my grief. It is up to me to utilize this time. It's up to you to utilize your time, too. You have an opportunity also. I encourage you to hang in there and get what you can from whatever it is you are facing. Stay the course, take care of yourself, rest, regroup, and keep going. I'm cheering you on!

Until next time, take good care of yourselves,

Courtney xoxo

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