Staring Back at Me
I am certainly no expert on marriage. However, while it's only been a couple of months, I will say that I've already learned. Being married has been a beautiful thing.
Yes, I have been able to go home to my best friend every day. Yes, I have been able to call him my husband and soak in that I am his wife. Yes, we get to talk about our goals and dreams and plan for our future. Yes, I have been able to experience intimacy with him at the deepest level. Yes, it is blissful and wonderful. Yes, I wake up every day so happy. Also, yes, I have seen myself in ways that make me sad to admit and digest.
What do you even mean by that?
Justin Timberlake was not lying in his song, Mirrors. I see so much of who I am (for the good and the bad) in my relationship with my husband. I see that I am a nurturer and really enjoy making our home one of love, safety, and care. I see that I am a worrier - always wanting everything to be okay and nervous that at any moment it won' t be. I am talking to Jesus about this one. I see that I like to be in control - I like to know what is happening when. I like for everything in our house to be in its place when I go to bed for the night (the way I see fit). I make assumptions about what I have "clearly" communicated to my husband and about what he understands. I get an attitude when he eats my snacks without asking me, but I have NO problem demolishing his and quickly. I can get agitated easily. I love extremely hard and, for that reason, I need a soft place to land.
All of these observations come from just a few weeks of being husband and wife (some things I knew and ignored). I wrote before about how I'm being confronted with my own flaws (check out The Balancing Act). I am also seeing the things that are good about me, too. It's not all bad. To say it is a balancing act is an understatement, but, in this post, the balancing act is a little different.
I have resolved to see the good parts as well as the not so good parts. They are both present and they are both valid. They are both helpful to my growth and to understanding who I am. In my husband, there has been grace, forgiveness, and so much love. The number one thing I have learned is that marriage can be the most beautiful thing -- with the right person. I had chances to marry earlier, but I knew it wasn't right. I couldn't put my finger on it; I just knew that it wasn't it. So, I kept waiting. I am so thankful that I did.
I am loved so well and that includes being loved in the middle of the bad, too. In fact, that's when I feel the most love from my husband. The reality of who I am and who I am not has been magnified by my mirror standing in front of me. The funny thing is that I find myself welcoming this view. I believe that this marriage is an opportunity for me to grow as a woman, not just as a wife. It allows me the option to grow as a daughter of God and I am going to take it as such.
What I realize is that my existence as an individual has not stopped since I became a married woman. I feel like I am coming alive and learning how to operate and thrive in my own skin. God is using this marriage to help me grow and, even if it's hard sometimes, I want to keep going. I want to keep growing. Some of the issues are ones that I've buried and ignored for long enough, so it's time.
Maybe you're in a place where you're faced with the good and the bad at the same time. Maybe your mirror (whether it's another person or a situation that's pressing you) is reflecting more things than you want to see. It's hard to see yourself in a light that doesn't portray you in the best way. I encourage you to embrace this time as an opportunity to shed the skin that doesn't belong on you anymore. Embrace this time as a way to become better, as a way to get to your best self. There are a lot of great things to experience in life. One of those things is seeing where you started and then seeing where you ended. Don't forget to keep your eyes open while you're trudging through the mud or walking through the rosy fields (there will be both!).
In this season, enjoy the process of being broken, seeing the tough parts of yourself, moving forward, and celebrating the good that comes out of what is happening. It may be difficult, but it is worth it. As for me, I have a lifetime of growing to do - as a woman and as a wife. Just know I will get there and so will you!
Until next time, take care of yourself friends,
Courtney xoxo